there and back again.

I read and work a lot. Wherever I travel, I have books with me. Lately I got sucked into the mind of Dennis Lehane again. His Kenzie & Gennaro novels are just amazingly good. Dark, violent, smart. The resonance with my inner self is so great that I should be shaken.

Did I ever mention I switched jobs? I went to the champions league of my area, a company operating out of silicon valley, dealing with the biggest pharmaceutical companies on this planet. And I am part of the product team. I am in charge for Europe. The product already carries things I have designed, features that amaze prospects and make them customers. I just returned from Amsterdam, where exactly this modern marvel took place.

Other people save the world, create art – I design software to help big pharma make money more efficiently.

But I am alive, happy as I can ever be.

82kg.

onwards.

Things move, in varying degrees, but they move. I work from home now, a drastic change, I don’t know if I can cope with it. Procrastination is awesome.
I will move though, a shared flat with her, yes, the one with the kid. Let’s see.
By now I can really understand High Fidelity on a deep deep level.
Truthiness.

I got fat. I am successful in my job, everything is easy, I don’t have to fight. Let’s see how long this lasts.

Do I want a challenge?

My body would be a great place to be hungry for success again. Excuses, excuses.

1.81m
86kg

oh hai.

Long time no see. By now I finally understand Groundhog Day. It is not a simple comedy, it is a very smart parabel on life, reality and the complete lack of sense behind it all. Stuck in a loop, you can vary certain bits, but in the end you wake up inside yourself again and again and again.

I laugh quite a bit, but I can’t remember being happy. Being relaxed. Yes, the pursuit of happiness is foolish, but a damn good song.

on becoming an adult.

I wrote this to answer a question that popped up in a forum discussion:
When did you realize you where an adult?

I’m 30 and I guess it is the moment when most of the stuff you do already has memories attached to it. It simply is getting harder to do something completely new. Sure, skydiving is still on the todo list, but in terms of everyday things?

The worst part, for me, are memories of people, events, things that are gone, forever. From my love now being pregnant by her new man up to certain actors or musicians simply dying away.

When you’re young those memories are just a few. Adulthood means when those memories catch up and begin to shape reality. I know what it feels like to crash a car, a motorcycle. I drive those differently now. I know exactly how painful the end of an relationship can be and behave differently.

UP summed it up nicely, now that I think of it.
/Grumpy young man

this.

I saw this, this, my current life as temporary, as a phase, as a bad dream. My current flat was a stop gap, everything would move back into place, neat, orderly, safe, nice, warm and cosy.

Coming into my flat after work now feels different.

This is it, all there is, all there will be.

And you open the door and you step inside
Were inside our hearts
Now imagine your pain as a white ball of healing light
That’s right your pain, the pain itself is a white ball of healing light

I don’t think so

This is your life
Good to the last drop
Doesn’t get any better then this
This is your life and it’s ending one minute at a time.

memories.

I guess what drives me insane is that my head is full of memories that pop up all the time, without any control over it. I have a very good memory, remember lots of mundane crap.

What am I supposed to do with all my memories, pointing nowhere?

game over.

Hey you,

Great news, I am really happy for you. Your plan has always been to have a baby before you turn thirty, congrats on accomplishing it.

I hope you understand the way I mean it, I really am happy for you, you. Just you.

I couldn’t care less about the surroundings, but they are your life, your reality, your happiness. They make me sad, but that is ok, as it is irrelevant, out of scope, forever.

Your message provides me closure, in a way, my fantasies, my dreams of getting together again, romantically, are dead, gone. All those mind-numbing fantasies of chance encounters, sudden realizations of wrong doings will stay there, here, in my heart, in my head.

It is my personal cancer, eating, gnawing at me.

Fuck reality, fuck life, fuck chance, fuck me.

No happy endings, ever, just phases. They all end, in pain. And death. I hate you all, your happiness, your existence, your ability to live, to cope, to have a future, a family, a life.

I will keep looking at our pictures, cherishing regret, pain and shame.
At least some feelings.

oh well, creeping along.

Back from two adventures, the Kazakh/Kyrgyz trip being the far more bigger one. WRC rally in Finland was my second time, so no surprises there.

Lessons learned:
1., I am fat and out of shape.
2., I love to travel.
3., Issyk Kul lake is one of the most beautiful spots in the world
4., Advanced hiking gear is worth every cent
5., Bakshish rules the world

No surprises there too.

Everything was great, now I am back and lonely. While being in a relationship. Which I don’t have the guts to end cause I don’t know what’s next. Facebook tells me about the successful life of others and their happiness, which really feels a bit like a kick in the nuts. “Others” being my past. Soon it will be three fucking years. Fucking hell.

summer.

My life progresses at a fast pace, still also it feels like nothing. ever. happens. The past months I saw myself climbing along the Great Wall, strolling through Beijing, getting absolutely hammered in Seoul, feeling uneasy in Bucharest, seeing cool bands during St. Petersburg’s white nights.

Next week I’ll be hiking from Kazakhstan to Kyrgyzstan, from Almaty to the Issyk Kul Lake.

I have turned 30.

I don’t like my current relationship.

I like being alone.

I miss my girl. I miss being able to think about the past without feeling hurt. Without feeling like an amputee.

Sometimes its like someone took a knife baby
Edgy and dull and cut a six-inch valley
Through the middle of my soul

Great post.

the gentle art of getting older.

I left my Facebook profile alone for a while. Spent a weekend in Zurich, went to a lot of clubs, danced like a madman. I really enjoy dancing. A bit of a strange thought for me. A girl called me party-boy. Oh well.

Coming back a friend request awaited me, a girl from way back, we were in the same class in grammar school. Married, two kids. I accepted. Soon after I got two more requests, more people from that time. Again, a girl, a pretty one, I always thought she had a crush on me, back in the days. Married, one kid.

Fucking hell. I am getting thirty in July. I feel like 25, I live like 25, I don’t even know what happened between 25 and now. 5 years of my life have simply vanished. Pretty much the period of my serious working life. Somewhere my life took a bad turn, it really did. Of course, it could be simple peer pressure, all of them getting married and starting families. But seriously, I want that too.

I always thought I could never have a relationship with a mother. Having the kid of someone else around isn’t a joyful perspective for me. But still, right now I am seriously interested in a single mother. Russian, smart, open minded, pretty, tight body. I just don’t know if I can stomach that kid of hers. I want my own kids, my own blood. I am old fashioned, conservative, reactionary in that regard.

The shitty thing about being a single family guy is that you can’t run around searching for a wife. You have to play the game, invest quite some time (a year min) to be sure. Again and again. And slowly, ever so slowly, this makes me nervous. I don’t want to be a dad with 40 (if ever).